Tuesday, September 18, 2007

On the day I was born...

...this was what was on the telly.


Well, you've got to say that the 2nd of December 1969 was a bloody bag of thrills eh readers? Still you gotta admire the fact that Wacky Races was on BBC1, Tomorrow's World with Raymond Baxter was there (where's my jet pack and robot butler you bastards?) and there was the Sky at Night (still going strong!). Jazz Scene sounds a bit shit though as does Cribbins on ITV. Mind you, there's more variety here than you'd find on terrestrial TV these days. Well, just about.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Hope I die before I get... no... no, it's gone.


Sunday 16th September 2007. Blackpool Opera House. Us: Row F of the Circle. Billy Connolly: on stage, with his latest gig on the "Too Old To Die Young" tour of England.

It's a good 12 years or so since I last saw Mr Connolly live in this town on that very same stage, and we've both grown a bit older since then. Fortunately we've both not mellowed much. For Celia, this is the first time seeing him live. For two hours without a break Connolly stood and pontificated on suicide bombers, feng shui, "Most Haunted", unhelpful shop staff, how rubbish modern hymns are, dwarves on buses (they're not a small person)... and so on.

Okay, you may have heard some of it before (the balaclava routine, the exploding manholes) but it's forgivable when you know there's some top draw tales coming next. As ever, Connolly drifts off mid tale to some mad happening which has just jumped into his mind ("Oh, I must tell you this...") and goes off eventually to get back to the original joke only to take off again on something else he's remembered. He explained that this is no genius masterplan on his part, he genuinely just drifts off and if he gets back to the original routine it's a miracle.

In any other comic's hands the routines would be dated and over familiar, but in Connolly's they're fresh and inspired, and in many of his tales all the more funny for they're true(ish). Only he could make the news story of the attempted bombing of Glasgow Airport hilarious and at the same time make a valid point of showing how our attitude to terrorists is wrong, and we should send Bin Laden a video of John Smeaton - that'll shit him up. And only Billy could make a couple of old jokes like the "black testicles" one and the "kick the dog's balls" still brilliant.

Maybe not as good as he was, but Billy Connolly Live in 2007, even at the age of nearly 65, is the benchmark for all other comedians to aim for.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Anthony H Wilson: 20 February 1950 – 10 August 2007

To some he was just that bloke off the news on the telly. To others he was partially responsible for drawing attention to some of the best music to come out of Britain. I think to really appreciate the true Anthony Wilson, you've got to have grown up in the North West during the 70s & 80s, as it was here in Grandaland that we truly saw to the two sides of AHW.

Wilson worked for Granada TV graduating to the role of newsreader/cum anchorman on "Granada Reports" in the mid 70s. Now when I was a kid, come six o'clock in the evening once the kids stuff had finished and the news came on, I had to choose between the BBC's Look North with the eccentric ramblings of Stuart "It's a Knockout" Hall, or on ITV Granada Reports (or more realistically "Grandad Reports" with the likes of Bobs Greaves & Smithies on board). On the latter, the young energetic Tony stood out a mile, so much so that the bosses took on board his enthusiasm for the local arts scene by giving him his own weekly "What's On" slot on the show.

Somehow the success of this convinced Granada to give him a late-night, arts-based show called So It Goes in 1975. Initially it featured the run of the mill bands that were around at that time. Bored with the dull bands he had to feature, and always on the look-out for new talent, Wilson went to the Lesser Free Trade Hall in Manchester on 4 June 1976 to see a London group who were part of the new "punk" movement and called themselves The Sex Pistols. He was one of 42 people in an audience that also included amongst others Peter Shelley and Howard Trafford (soon to become Howard Devoto) who would immediately form the Buzzcocks, as well as Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook, who would later form Joy Division. (Also present was Mick Hucknall who, inexplicably, as if punk never happened, would later form Simply Red.)

'It was,' said Wilson, 'nothing short of an epiphany.' He immediately booked the Pistols on the last show of So It Goes. The second series was also shown in London, and became the only place on British television where you could see this strange new music. "The twats at BBC Music just didn't get it" he commented some years later.


In 1978, Wilson formally entered the music business by launching the Factory night at the Russel club in Manchester's Hulme district, and shortly after with the aid of his savings founded Factory records. He was aided and abetted by designer Peter Saville, the producer Martin Hannett, actor and manager Alan Erasmus and Joy Division manager Rob Gretton. The rest is history. Factory records was very much in the style of it's creator - distinctly northern, stylish, stubborn - with the emphasis of art over commerce. Indeed the bands he signed owned everything they did, and Factory had no rights at all over the work, which would come to bite Factory on the arse in the end.



Factory's success was initially due to the output of Joy Division, possibly even more so after lead singer Ian Curtis committed suicide in 1980 on the verge of US success. It is said that Joy Division could have been as big as U2 had Curtis not taken his own life. This is unlikely, but it has to be said that the potential was never fully realised.


That seems to be the way it was with Wilson and Factory. Defeat snatched away from the jaws of victory. Take the example of New Order, the band that formed from the remains of Joy Division, whose 12 inch single "Blue Monday" remains the biggest-selling 12-inch single of all time. Unbelievably, it cost Factory Records two pence every time someone bought a copy. Wilson said "We thought, it's a 12-inch format, it's not going to sell, so it may as well look good. It was an utterly contemporary and utterly timeless piece of design, and it was hideously expensive because excellence always is. It looked so good, it actually cost us money to sell it. Which is fine when you're talking a couple of hundred copies, but a bit of a problem when you hit 100,000."

"Blue Monday" was probably the first time I really took notice of NewOrder, and certainly the first point where I made the link between them and that gobshite on the box. Over the years I began to admire what he was achieving with the label, and any record on the Factory label was something to cherish (with perhaps the exception of "Shall We Take A Trip" by Northside). Every release had a individual "Fac" number (well, actually everything Factory did had a number, from the first club might down to the office cat), and owning one of their records felt special.
Wilson continued in his dual role of TV presenter and record company boss through the 80's, and with the money made from Joy Division & New Order opened a night club "The Hacienda" in 1982, based on the glamorous clubs of New York yet set in a old Manchester Yacht showroom. Unfortunately the city never mind the world wasn't ready for this, and so the half empty club hemorrhaged cash for five years until the House music explosion of the late 80's, when the Hacienda and club culture collided and it became the heart of the "Madchester" scene. Wilson's extreme vision for the club anticipated the look of the 21st century Manchester by some 20 years. The ultimate irony being it closed before the redevelopment of the rest of the city got into full swing. In the early 1990s the Hacienda became unwittingly embroiled in the gun culture that began to appear in the city and after a couple of closures, closed for good in 1997.
Tony also became known as Anthony H Wilson around the end of the 80s partly in tribute to his hero novelist Anthony Burgess and partly because he knew it would wind people up. That was one of the delightful things about Wilson - he had an uncanny knack of getting people's backs up but the strength of his persona was such that he was forgivable. Being a staunch United fan he would sneak in sarky comments about the city down the other end of the East Lancs Road in Liverpool, and took great delight in United's success during the 90's, purely because of the stick he took during Liverpool's 80's heyday. He returned to his "So It Goes" roots in 1988 with the late night Granada series "The Other Side Of Midnight" giving TV debuts to the likes of the Stone Roses and the Happy Mondays amongst others.

The Mondays gave Factory records another unlikely hit band on their books, becoming the band of the "Madchester" scene. This didn't stop the label being blighted by cash flow problems. Wilson's business sense was legendary for all the wrong reasons, but there were several major factors that brought down the house of Factory. The members of it's main cash cow New Order were sick of each other and of having to bail out Factory, so were not rushing to complete their latest album in the studio. Factory paid well over the odds for new record company premises just before a property crash. In a major schoolboy error Wilson sent the already drug addled Happy Mondays to Barbados to record an album without realising that it was crack central. Only disaster could ensue.


Add to all this, when trying to sell the record label to a major it was suddenly realised that due to the aforementioned "artists own everything" contract, there was nothing to sell. Factory farcically collapsed in 1991 with debts of £2m.
This left Wilson slightly more humbled but not beaten. He still had television and radio to fall back on, and increasingly became a self appointed spokesman for the North West and Manchester in particular, becoming a key player in local politics and supporting a campaign for a regional assembly for the North West, going as far as to set up an unofficial coalition calling for regional devolution, called The Necessary Group. He still was pushing new music, setting up the annual Manchester music conference, In The City, with long-term partner and former Miss England Yvette Livesey. Also a couple of attempts at setting up a new Factory label were made albeit to little commercial success.

Bizarrely the whole Wilson/Factory story was laid out as cinematic entertainment in 2003 with Michael Winterbottom's 24 Hour Party People, which represented his life as chaotic comedy and Wilson as some sort of situationist impresario-cum-newsreading stuntman, Steve Coogan capturing the essence of the man with only a hint of Alan Partridge.

Wilson unexpectedly fell ill in 2006, before undergoing emergency surgery to have a kidney removed in January 2007. Doctors then diagnosed him with cancer and he started a chemotherapy course at Manchester's Christie Hospital. The chemotherapy failed to beat the disease and he was recommended to take the drug Sutent, which unbelievably is not funded by the NHS in Manchester.

Friends and acts he supported over the years such as members of the Happy Mondays had started a fund to help pay for this treatment. Typically Wilson didn't take the illness lying down working to the end campaigning to stop the NHS treatment postcode lottery, and at the same time helping with the scheme for the regeneration of East Lancashire.

He passed away on 10th August 2007. His funeral was fittingly, like everything else Factory related, given it's own Factory number.


"I'm basically a nice ordinary Salford Catholic boy who was surrounded by this maelstrom of madness. That's the real story of my life. I had the virtue of wanting to hang out with people who were more talented than me. I can't write songs, I can't perform, I can't design clubs, but I was an enthusiast. My gift was that I said yes to everybody.'

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Now That's What I Call Nostalgia Volume 87


I've previously wittered on about the old compilation albums of the 70's, well now it's my look at the albums that became an essential part of life since for any young person for the last 24 years.

As is well documented, in 1983 the major labels (in this case EMI & Virgin) thought well, why the hell should we let the likes of Ronco and K-Tel cream all of the money from compilation albums? Rather than licence the tracks to them we'll release our own and make even more cash. And so the "Now That's What I Call Music" albums were born.

The first one came handily out in time for Christmas 1983, and contained the cream of the years hits with 11 number ones in all. Tadaaaaah, instant record collection for the impoverished teenager.

So in the first of an occasional series let's look back at the contents of the Now series should we, and see if they're still fabtastiscmongous... (pulls out record from paper sleeve...) Side 1 Track 1...

Phil Collins : "You Can't Hurry Love"
Back to the days when he was massive. Phil shot to number one with this faithful cover of the Supreme's sixties hit. Even the most staunch hater of his work couldn't not like this (the video however is hateful). A staple of weddings ever since.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Duran Duran : "Is There Something I Should Know"
The Duranies first number one single and a period of two years global domination starts here. The line "You're about as easy as a nuclear war" earned derision back then, and now with the benefit of hindsight, it's like the works of Keats compared to the likes of Pete Doherty nowadays. You don't know when you're well off.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 10/10

UB40: "Red Red Wine"
Believe it or not kids, UB40 were once massive, and still are in some unenlightened parts of the world. The first of two efforts on this album (see, that's how big they were. Two!) sees them tackle Neil Diamond's song in a lover's reggae style, something they'd keep coming back to over the next 20 years to diminishing returns.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 4/10

Limahl : "Only For Love"
AKA Chris Hamill, from Wigan, who dumped the rest of his pop superstar Number one group Kajagoogoo (see later) to go for solo greatness, cos he was the bestest out of that group and all the fans want to see him and not them, cos they're rubbish and anyway he was destined for better fings like this record, right?

This single reached number 16. In fairness, Limahl did go on to have a massive hit with "Never Ending Story" and continues to do well on the nostalgia circuit complete with mullet wig. He's also gay, dontcha know. Who'd have guessed.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 1/10

Heaven 17 : "Temptation"
The fall out from Ian Craig Marsh & Martyn Ware leaving The Human League and Phil Oakey keeping the name was that the two of them got 1% of the earnings from ver League's next album. Fortunately for them the next album was "Dare" the multi platinum selling breakthrough. They put the money to good use and created, with singer Glenn Gregory, the group Heaven 17. This was their biggest hit, though whether it would have been as big without the massive vocals of Carol Kenyon is another question.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 9/10

KC and the Sunshine Band : "Give It Up"
Another number one, amazingly enough, but the last hit for Harry and the boys. Immortalised in the 90's by the Old Trafford faithful's song "Na na na na na na na na na na naah, Nicky Nicky Butt, Nicky Butt, Nicky Nicky Butt!".
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

Malcolm McLaren : "Double Dutch"
Skip they do's the Double Dutch, that's them dancing.." McLaren's inspired melding of hip hop, African rhythms and skipping made this a playground hit everywhere. "Hey Ebon, Ebonettes!!"
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Bonnie Tyler : "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
Welsh warbler returns from misadventures across the channel and creates Meat Loaf-esque epic about living in powder kegs, giving off sparks. Health & safety risk if you ask me. The sound of the record was unsurprising, given that Meat Loaf's producer Jim Steinman had a hand in this. Typical Russell "Highlander" Mulcahy nonsense video as well (Dancers, moody angles, crap wire-work). A number one lest we forget.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 4/10

Culture Club : "Karma Chameleon"
Nearly 25 years on we find out this is a song about Boy George's then lover, group drummer Jon Moss and not a song about hippy reptiles after all. Urgh. Apparently loving would be easy if your colours were like his dreams: red gold and green. Whatever that means.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 4/10

Men Without Hats : "Safety Dance"
You can dance if you want to. Somehow you just knew that they just had to be Canadian, and a trip to Wikipedia confirms it. One hit wonders in the UK and that's probably a good thing.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 5/10

Kajagoogoo : "Too Shy"
Ah, Chris Hamill again. Produced by Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes, thus bringing in the Duranie's vote, this was their only number one hit. Alas one album later Limahl & Kajagoogoo (more later... really) went their separate ways. Limahl went on to flat share with Paul "Gambo" Gambaccinni, who probably reminded him of all his chart positions every day. They weren't lovers though, no.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

Mike Oldfield : "Moonlight Shadow"
A rare chart appearance by grumpy millionaire Mike, with a song featuring great vocals by Maggie Reilly, all about John Lennon's death. Or not. Depends on how he's feeling, the miserable bugger, judging from interviews I've read. All that money from "Tubular Bells" and he's still a moany old c*nt.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 7/10

Men at Work : "Down Under"
Another number one, this time from this Antipodean crew, whose best work is forgotten in favour of this harmless novelty hit. Such is life. Introduced us to the delights of the drink Zombie, the Vegimite sandwich and the term "chunder".
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Rock Steady Crew : "(Hey You) The Rock Steady Crew"
1983 was the year Breakdancing and body-popping crossed over onto the mainstream. helped by the likes of Malcolm McLaren (see earlier) and this bunch of one hit wonders, who had been around since 1979 as a breakdancing crew in New York. Naff then, naff now.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

Rod Stewart : "Baby Jane"
Professional Denis Law look-a-likey and pretend Scotsman Rod Stewart was back with a vengeance this year with more AOR rock tunes, of which this was the biggest, hitting the top spot. And strangely for Rod, not a cover. He still had the horrendous spandex trousers though. All togevver naahhh.... "Baaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyybee Jane..."
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

Paul Young : "Wherever I Lay My Hat (That's My Home)"
After plying his trade in various pub rock bands over the years, Mr Young finally hits the big-time proper with this number one Marvin Gaye cover, and goes multi-platinum with the accompanying "No Parlez" album, which unfortunately contains the worst cover of Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" you'll ever hear. well, apart from New Order's live version that is. Anyway, I always preferred "Love Of The Common People".
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

New Edition : "Candy Girl"
Whitney battering Bobby Brown in younger-ballsnotyetdropped-mode. Tapping into that Jackson 5 vibe, New Edition were massive in the US and made the crossover the water to reach number one here in the UK. Though listen to the song now and it's like nails on blackboard. Anyway, we had Musical Youth, the voice of a young black Britain, so off with you Johnny Foreigner. There's nothing for you here. Tried to have a comeback in the mid nineties, but by crikey we weren't having it again.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 3/10

Kajagoogoo : "Big Apple"
No Limahl this time. The first Chris Hamill-less release saw bassist Nick Beggs step up to the mike to deliver this oh so eighties big production number, all about large fruit. Or New York. Alas, although reaching number 8 it started to go tits up and the Kajagoogoo boys shortened their monicker to just "Kaja" to little effect before calling it a day.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 4/10

Tina Turner : "Let's Stay Together"
TT was about as popular as fart in a crowded lift before the Heaven 17 guys resurrected her career with this cover of the old Al Green soul classic. The rest is history, every steamy windowed-private dancing-goldeneyed-simply the best bit of it.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Human League : "(Keep Feeling) Fascination"
Only their second single since 1981's massive "Don't You Want Me", this unnecessarily bracketed titled tune had many a youngster wondering whether their record deck had gone wonky or they'd been sold faulty goods down at Woolies. Phil shares vocal duties this time with the rest of the band. so as to share the blame collectively. Despite being an out of tune mess this reached number 2, but it was all down hill from here for ver League, but I still love 'em.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 7/10

Howard Jones : "New Song"
A new genre is invented by Mr Jones called "Veggie daft haired synth pop", but this sadly fails to catch on (unless you count Nik Kershaw who's own work often got mixed up with Howard's output by dim people). "Throw off those mental chains" implored Howard on Top Of The Pops, whilst a bald bloke called Jed danced behind him miming the words. A proto-Bez you might say. Plinkety plonk electro-pop that hasn't dated well, though I loved it at the time.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

UB40 : "Please Don't Make Me Cry"
Good grief, the Brummies are back again with a second top 10 hit. Two UB40 records on one Now album was something that wouldn't happen again, you'd be pleased to know. Shite.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 2/10

Peabo Bryson & Roberta Flack : "Tonight I Celebrate My Love"
There's always one track on a "Now" album that got skipped, and here it is. Push that needle across the record.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 0/10

Tracey Ullman : "They Don't Know"
"Three Of A Kind" comedienne Tracey continued her semi-humerous pop career with this top 3 brilliantly faithful cover of a Kirsty MacColl flop. Ullman then buggers off to America to be unfunny, richer and "invents" The Simpsons. Ex co-star Lenny Henry is now also unfunny and fat, and David Copperfield (not that one) has never been heard of since.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Will Powers : "Kissing With Confidence"
Carly Simon sings the good bit on this you know. That is all.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 7/10

Which coincidentally leads me to...

Genesis : "That's All"
What? No "Mama"? The line between Collins's solo career and that of Genesis became fuzzy with this jaunty Chas & Dave-esque knees up. Tony Banks attempts to go for a keyboard solo ala the old prog days but Phil's having none of it and reins him back in promptly.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 6/10

The Cure : "Love Cats"
The obligatory left field track falls to Robert Smith in eccentric pop mode. The Cure from 1982 to 1992 actually released about a dozen brilliant pop tunes but they're still seen as gloomy goths by the plebs. Ah well, their loss.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Simple Minds : "Waterfront"
All previous esoteric and arty European ideas are tossed overboard as Jim Kerr enters arena rock mode with this classic. At this point they were neck and neck with U2 in the "who's the bigger rock group" contest. Unfortunately pies & pomp got the better of Kerr and when he forgot a) how to laugh at himself and b) to move on musically there was only to be one winner. Thus Bono & co play sell out stadiums, and ver Minds play halls and are "big in Europe".
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 7/10

Madness : "The Sun and the Rain"
Ever reliable Madness returned with another jaunty Top Ten hit, though they were getting noticeably more miserable and melancholic with every release by this stage. Still good though. However 24 years on, Suggs is on the telly advertising Birds Eye meals. Ho hum.
NOWTASTIC POINTS: 8/10

Culture Club "Victims"
This calculated gamble for number one Christmas single was funnily enough derailed by the Flying Pickets' acapella nightmare "Only You". Ha. Good. As for "Victims", I don't know if this is about shagging the drummer or not like "Karma Chameleon". Probably all their songs were. Except "War is Stupid". Which was about war. And how it's stupid. And people are stupid. And love means nothing in some strange quarters.

Actually, Culture Club were shit really weren't they?

NOWTASTIC POINTS: 0/10

Which gives us a grand total of 172 points out of 300. Could do better...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

We want to get "Loaded"...


I’m looking at the magazine racks in Tesco, and I’m asking myself the following: Why can’t I find a men's magazine that's readable and that's not as embarrassing to be left around the house, as say, a copy of Mayfair would be? When did the men’s monthly magazine industry go literally tits up? Or should that be tits out?


"Men's magazine". Of course I mean something in the FHM market, not your one-handed art pamphlets. Maybe if I said “lad's mag” it would be clearer. Well, it wouldn’t, as I’m not a “lad” and that’s part of the problem. You see, these "lad's mags" weren't always this way. Once upon a time they were new, inventive, readable, credited its readers with an ounce of intelligence and didn't rely on a photoshoot of page three girl Sophie Howard's (impressive, I'll grant you that) breasts to sell it.

Yes kids, I'm off on one of my grumpy rants about things not being as good as they used to be (see my Q article from last year). But I’m right. You just read on.

Into the Tardis we go…

Prior to 1994, there wasn't such a thing as a "lad's mag". Yes, we had the likes of the aspirational GQ, Arena, and a formative FHM but these were full of expensive fashion, fads and fiction, and stuffy as hell. Great if you're on £40k a year working in the city, flying off every Winter for a skiing holiday in Switzerland and wearing Armani suits, but not really saying a great deal to me, a bloke in average job, who doesn’t give a shit what the best fountain pen is to be seen with. These were refined titles, without the broad appeal that is seemed to be so effortlessly achieved in Women's magazines. All that "New Man" bollocks didn't do it for me. There were newspapers for your sport and current affairs, the likes of Q, Select or the NME catered for your music, and The Face or Sky for anything else. Oh, and Viz. That basically was it. Unless you looked higher up the shelves in the newsagents.


The
re you had your shifty “reach furtively for the top shelf” adult pornographic mags such as Penthouse, Mayfair and Men Only (see above), which featured women in various states of undress, and some factual articles which nobody actually read, but you had to appreciate that they'd gone to the effort to make it look as if it wasn't all about masturbation. These mags were only for the under the bed library, oh and bushes (yes, why don’t you find discarded old porn mags in bushes anymore?).

So all in all an unsatisfactory business, but you had to put up with this situation.One day in 1994, I read in the Guardian (look at me, all highbrow) that ex-NME editor James Brown was setting up his own magazine. I made a note to keep an eye out for that one, since I considered that Brown was a very good writer and his passion shone through in his articles, especially around the Madchester-era when his hedonistic outlook matched well with the subject matter. He could walk the walk and talk the talk. His creation, "Loaded" was that rare type of magazine - one that created a genre, and one that suddenly made the aforementioned men's titles that were around look very archaic indeed.

When issue one was released in May 1994, it's unselfconscious, irreverent style came to define a 'laddish' culture that was ground-breaking and was to make a lasting impression on our consciousness for the next 5 years. This, if I might be pretentious for a moment, was the magazine that rode the zeitgeist, albeit whilst trying not to spill it’s pint. In the media, the same laddish element was increasingly seen in BBC TV programmes such as sitcom “Men Behaving Badly” and the comedy sports quiz “They Think It's All Over”, in music with Oasis, Blur, and the Britpop movement, and in the world of football, which was now fashionable again post-Hillsborough/Italia 90 and due to Sky and the Premier League, Nick Hornby and Baddiel & Skinner's Fantasy Football. These latter two were part of the new wave of 90’s comedians who often trod an un-PC line, along with contemporaries such as Paul Whitehouse, Steve Coogan and Vic & Bob.

Now, a good editor is, by nature, an individualist who tends to react badly to being strait jacketed. They will use their own language and terminology. Their attitude and style is often the difference between running a top title and an also-ran. James Brown brought in attitude by the crateload. In the first issue of Loaded, Brown set out his agenda, and wrote:
"What fresh lunacy is this? Loaded is a new magazine dedicated to life, liberty and the pursuit of sex, drink, football and less serious matters. Loaded is music, film, relationships, humour, travel, sport, hard news and popular culture. Loaded is clubbing, drinking, eating, playing and eating. Loaded is for the man who believes he can do anything, if only he wasn't hung over."

In short "For men who should know better." which became the cover strap line for years.

Lazy journalistic slags misconception number 436: Issue one featured Liz Hurley semi naked on the cover... ahh, no it didn't. Sorry to rain on the parade of many a journo looking for an easy story, but in fact issue one had a distinctly non-sexy black and white picture of edgy actor Gary Oldman on the cover (as you can see). The scantily clad girl content in those early issues was actually rather low. The idea that you could actually come out and admit to enjoying looking at beautiful women was something Brown introduced as if it had never been thought of before, like it was a new concept in the magazine industry. And it did seem like a fresh idea.

Towards the end of the 80’s and the start of the 90’s, glamour and sex was something that the media wasn’t pushing, probably a legacy of the AIDS media madness from 1987 onwards. The nearest you'd get is a Vanity Fair photoshoot of some supermodel like Cindy Crawford, or film star such as Julia Roberts, tastefully done. And of course there was still Page 3 in "The Sun", which seemed to stand as a lone voice in those wilderness years, happily printing it’s glamour girls day in day out. Loaded didn't go in all guns blazing, but put a few toes in the water first, pointing out that there's nothing actually wrong with looking at gorgeous girls, and celebrating them. It was like taking The Sun’s cheery philosophy but doing it with knowing irony.

Thus each issue usually celebrated some up and coming starlet or model over a couple of pages. That first issue did have photographer John Stoddart's rather revealing black and white images of “actress” Elizabeth Hurley (see above), who we must remember at that point wasn't a big celebrity - yes she'd done "Passenger 57" and a memorable episode of “Sharpe”, but Hugh Grant wasn’t a star name then, and she hadn't yet made the appearance in that dress at the premiere of “Four Weddings”. Loaded was quite good at catching them early.


From early on, the whole playful ethos of the magazine permeat
ed every article. Yes it might have a photoshoot of Kylie in swimwear (above), but it would balance it out in the same article with say, Lee & Herring in theirs. Yes, there would be a fold out poster of Kelly Brook, but with a badger on the reverse. A scantily clad model sat on a pile of biscuits. Model showing a bit of leg in a chippy. And so on. But it wasn’t all women…


…Three Lions, Statto, Kathy Lloyd, Rod Hull, “TFI Friday”, Zoe Ball, The Fast Show, stag weekends in Dublin or Prague, Trainspotting, They Think it's All Over, David Seaman, Ben Sherman shirts, hard drinking women, Anna Friel, George Best, Pot Noodles, hedonism, Jo Guest, crisps, Phil Tufnell, havin' a LARF, “good work fella!”, sorted, Dodgy, large-ing it up, Keith Allen, Country House, Damien Hirst, lager lager lager, Champagne Supernova, Office Pest, Vindaloo, Dr Mick, bottled beers with complicated tops, Ian Wright, Fat Les, Des Lynam, Vic and Bob, Ulrika-ka-ka-ka, Alex Higgins, Beavis & Butthead, Michael Caine, 5 a side footy, Paul Calf, Louise Wener, Paul Weller, the Mini…


Loaded tapped into a four-year “mo
ment” when Britain seemed to be on the verge of being “Great” again, and celebrated it. But being British, it also took the piss out of it relentlessly – but we were in on the joke. You can’t beat them interviewing Kevin Keegan (see right) and telling him he’d be on the cover, which he was, only with a drawn on ‘tasche and glasses.., which they forgot to mention.

Old forgotten great actors-stroke-boozers like Leslie Phillips, Oliver Reed and Peter O’Toole were given the status of greatest living Englishmen (or Irish if you please!) and prominence was given to the rogues of their particular chosen fields such as Bestie, Dennis Leary, Jimmy White… Maradona even. Even when it was a rubbish issue there would be something to make it worth the purchase.


Of course, the success of Loaded meant most other men's titles looked very out of step, and one by one they had a reboot. Brown jumped ship to try and lift the circulation of fellow men’s mag GQ, and came unstuck very quickly, as his irreverent style didn’t seem to fit with the type of reader the management and advertisers seemed to want the magazine to be aimed at, and he soon left.


Loaded continued to be the market leader for the next 5 years under the helm of new editor Tim Southwell, and the other titles such as Esquire (above), GQ and the new kid on the block Maxim were playing catch up. However in 1996, FHM’s subtle update immediately got the formula right, with a fine balance of girls, fashion, celebrity, bad jokes and importantly, reports, working on a formula of "if our readers couldn't do it, we won't feature it". FHM’s core belief was that men are not noble or heroic, and are better off not trying to be. The idea that it was all right to be funny and self-deprecating about, say, failure in the pursuit of women came as an enormous relief to readers.

Plus, they hit upon the genius idea of the readers voting for the FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women each year, banishing male celebrities from the cover (we shall never see Rupert Everett and Mickey Rourke again! Hurrah!) and celebrating the biggest female stars of the day, usually by depicting them in states of half dress wherever possible (but not essential).

Less obvious figures of desire like Gillian Anderson became the face of 1996. Popstress Louise Nurding came out of the shadows of Eternal to become the hot babe du jour, and TV presenters like Gail Porter (below) went from Saturday morning kids telly to nationwide notoriety after flashing her bum on the cover. By the end of the nineties, FHM had overtaken Loaded in sales and became the top UK men's magazine.


Okay, FHM, Loaded and the others undeniably objectified women, in that they were shot, lit, made up, clothed and photoshopped to the nines in order to make them make them more appealing to look at, but in the midst of the heady days of Britpop and New Labour, society had now deemed such images acceptable, and the buying public were lapping them up. There was a clear difference back then between what FHM and the others were doing and what you needed to resort to the top shelf for, and similar images were commonplace in advertising, film and television, music videos, even women's magazines. The acid test seemed to be “could people read it openly on the bus”? At this point, yes.


By the turn of the 21st Century though, it would appear that increasingly the Internet, multi-channel TV, mobile phones, video games, MySpace, instant messaging and the rest has taken huge bites out of the time formerly allotted to magazine reading across the board.

Mass-market men's monthlies, which once stood in such thrilling contrast to everything that came before, are now thought of by a new generation of readers as last year's model, as exciting as a black-and-white movie. Other media have plundered their best ideas, diluting their originality further. The Americans have had their first major casualty, as their once successful version of FHM was laid to rest in December 2006, due to “difficult trading conditions". Yet it’s website lives on, which is telling.

Celeb culture also became dull. It didn't use to matter whether actors and actresses were talented or not, but it did matter that they were interesting. Publicists now make sure that a glimpse of any stars weirdness is a rare occurrence. An interview with a sportsman like Beckham or film-star like Matt Damon is just PR puff, with nothing to be learned about such celebs and no insight into what makes them tick (if they do at all). They can’t be seen to spoil the “brand”. And if you did get an article that might be of interest it’d be so dumbed down it’s practically unreadable.

At some undetermined point, men's monthlies in this country made, in hindsight, a potentially fatal error in an attempt to shore up flagging circulation when they decided to show bare breasts. Lots of them, especially in the newer mags such as Front (right). Okay, there may have been bare breasts displayed in the magazines and papers before but this was different, far more blatant, and almost a desperate move to keep readers interested. All done without the humour that would have made it half way acceptable a couple of years earlier.


Almost overnight, it became impossible to defend against the porno accusation. The magazines no longer passed the bus test. Circulation and advertising figures dropped.

Worst of all, the increasing indecency meant that the big celebrities woul
d never return, and no one sells magazines like big stars. Porn stars, glamour girls and z-listers moved in to fill the void. Goodbye Kylie and J-Lo, hello 7th person to be evicted from the Big Brother house and Michelle Marsh (above).

The great men’s magazine bubble had well and truly burst.


Loaded is now almost unrecognisable from it's former self, being little more than a tit mag for someone with the attention span of a gnat. And sadly, most of the others are the same. This hasn’t been helped by the arrival in 2004 of the lads weeklies; Nuts and Zoo were the product of feverish market research, based on a hybrid of the girls ”Heat” mag and the lad’s monthlies, with all the sport, bizarre photos, and topless lovelies you'd normally get plus a “Heat-esque” TV guide and more up to date "news". Although they won’t admit it, the publishers seem to be aiming these at the 14 to 22-age bracket. Basically, schoolboy porn. And this again hit the circulations of the monthlies badly. Their reaction? To try and compete with the weeklies, rather than offer an alternative. Hence an already dumbed down men’s magazine market became mostly barely readable semi-porn.


I'm now 37, and I never thought I’d say this, but I am getting a little perturbed at what can be found on the middle shelves of your local newsagent. The line between porn and lad's mag is now a very fine one. There are still a few magazines I can tolerate such as Esquire (right), which is still very much aimed at the £45k income man, but the articles are good, and Arena (below), which for years was a bit up it’s own arse, as you’d expect from a magazine from The Face’s Nick Logan, but although it’s one of the lowest selling men's mags, it's now actually the best.

Yes it's got the usual fashion for people who like to spend £1590 on a shirt and articles on how to find the best bars in Singapore, but it does have really good articles and the obligatory babes don't look too gratuitous - all very classy. It sometimes walks a fine line but is really quite readable. But it seems to be alone.


All I want is a magazine that's not afraid to treat it's re
aders with some intelligence, that will feature a 6000 word article without having to use "Boxouts" and that shows a little more respect to women, like the early mags used to. It used to be a bonus to have beautiful women in the magazine, not compulsory. Is this too difficult? I fear so. For much of what we can buy now seems, to these eyes, not much more that glossy mysogyny.


The ironic thing is that the once classy perv mag Penthouse has been relaunched, but aimed at the middle shelf rather than the top. And even more ironic is that despite the skin, it looks like a copy of FHM from the mid 90s. How times change. The porn mags look classy and the lad's mags look like Mayfair.

Not that I’ve read it of course. I found it in some bushes.