Let's get the good bits over with.
1. Rihanna & The Klaxons.
The biggest record of last year, Rihanna's "Umbrella" gets a indie make over/mash up with Mercury Prize Wiiners The Klaxon's "Golden Skans". With a performance obscured/enhanced (depending on your point of view) by loads of lasers, the band themselves dressed in medieval attire ala Spandau Ballet circa 1981, whilst Rihanna towered over them in a Grace Jones-esque stylee. Whatever. Anyway this could have been crap but was actually just a little short of brilliant. Good to see some effort to entertain being made. Disappointing to notice the Klaxons were miming though whilst Rihanna sang live. She didn't win an award on the night, but she's got plenty of time in the future for those. The person who did win in her category was...2. Kylie.
Now so famous now she can drop her surname. She gave a great performance of her latest single "Wow" in a dress which can only be described as trouser-troubling for any red-blooded male viewing. Hubba. She won "Best International Female" which to be honest was probably a bit of a sympathy vote by whoever votes for these things, bearing in mind the last few years' illness. Her tenth album "X" (hey! clever) hasn't exactly set the charts alight, but that doesn't matter. It's Kylie. That's enough for me. And as it's my blog I can have another massive picture of Kylie if I want. And so I shall.
3. Fab Macca Wacky Thumbs Aloft. How can you knock anyone who wrote "Live & Let Die"? Well he did open with the insipid "Dance Tonight" but he's got an album to flog so we'll let him off. Disappointingly he didn't follow the performance of his Bond song with "Spies Like Us" or "We All Stand Together" but you can't have everything, as Heather will find out soon. Altogether now: "Lady McCartney, children by your stump..."
4. Dave Grohl taking the piss on accepting his two awards. Honouring the fact that he's in such distinguished company as previous Brit winners Culture Club and Bros. And he couldn't make it to the UK as they've "just sold out Madison Square Garden". Is that Kurt I can hear rolling? Good.
5. The Winehouse.
It's like watching a car crash happen, her performances both solo and with Mark Ronson (more later) veered between brilliant and lousy, often in the same breath. But it's good to see her up doing what she's actually good at - keep out of the papers love, and off the smack and you could have some sort of career.
And that's it.
The bad? Well, it was such a dismal show this year that there wasn't really anything to get angry about. Apart from...
Sharon Fucking Osbourne. I haven't really got an issue with the rest of the family, they were inoffensive enough (did Ozzy actually do anything?) but who the hell does she think she is? I'd swear she was about as half cut as Judy Finnegan on a day-off by half way through the show. When Vic Reeves was messing about she had the gall to tell him on microphone to "Piss off... you pisshead" and cut him off from reading the winner of the award. Pot-kettle-black. Who's idea was it to have her and her family "present"? What's wrong with getting someone who's competent? Oh right. It's the Brits. Anyway you can only hope she has a ride in the quad bike with Ozzy. Get her off our screens now.
Mark Ronson as "Best British Male Artist". Right, 'cos he really does a lot on the records. He's a fucking producer for Gawd's sake. He should have won the producer award, except they dumped that a few years ago. And he's only applied for and got US citizenship this week. Yeah, British as they come. And he's never going to make Daniel Merriweather a star. Just stop it now. I'm only jealous 'cos Ronson's so cool and famous. What happened to the days when an actual performer won this category?
Mika. Yeah, some half decent records but really, there's a CBeebies show without a presenter. All he's missing are dungarees.
Kate Nash's dress seem to emphasise her shoulders a bit too much and made her look like the Honey Monster. Bless. I do like her really, the cockernee wench.
Fearne Cotton's useless backstage interviews. Why she wants to look like Madonna from three years ago I don't know. She really is crap personified. The bland interviewing the bland. Bring back Kate Thornton (no, don't). However bearing in mind the quality of the presentation ON stage, she looked like Kate Aidey.
Girls Aloud should have won a Brit Award by now, for Christ's sake. They're the best pop band in Britain - one day they'll get recognition, you mark my words. "Call The Shots" is clearly the best single from last year, not fucking "Shine" by Take That. That's used on a sodding Morrisons advert with Alan Bleeding Hansen, that's how good that is.Those students of the Brits School. From the look of them, gassing is the only viable option.
The rest of it washed over you leaving you with a general "meh" feeling. If this is a celebration of the best of British music, we might as well pack up now. I blame iPods and the Interweb. Bah.
