The day after Friday

“S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y… night!”, as the Bay City Rollers used to “sing”. They were of course referring to the night of the week when they’d go out dancing, drinking and pulling birds in bad pullovers and flares, and I’m going to take a journey back in the Tardis to one of those nights late in the Seventies. If you’re now over 30 years of age, commiserations, but don't despair; we're going to have a wallow in kiddie nostalgia and fly back to the best night of the week for telly.

Now to get yourself in the mindset for this, hark back to your childhood. It’s anywhere between 1978 & 1981, and it’s November, December or even January, therefore it’s getting dark about 4pm. You’ve either been playing out all afternoon on your Grifter, or been dragged round the town shops with the family… and you’re back indoors. Grab a glass of Vimto and switch on the telly.

You’d only have the 3 channels back then. Four if you count a fuzzy HTV Wales signal. Saturday afternoon was dead if you didn’t like sport, as BBC 1 had a pre-perv Frank Bough on Grandstand all afternoon & ITV had Dickie Davies on the low rent “World Of Sport” at the same time. It seemed to me at that age that the only sport they ever seemed to show was the 3:15 from Haymarket. But round about half three most of the horse racing had finished so things got a little more watchable... maybe a bit of snooker or darts.

"Dickie Davies shortly after some ceiling painting"

You've switched on and the telly's warmed up. Now if you’re lucky, you’ve missed the never entertaining kids show “Play Away” with Brian Cant & Floella Benjamin on BBC2 – how this ever passed muster as suitable for public consumption I’ll never know - what should be on your screen are some overweight middle aged blokes pretending to have a fight urged on by old biddies in the audience. Yes I’m referring to “Wrestling” on “World Of Sport”, featuring the likes of Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks (cos there’s nothing scarier than a giant haystack), Jim “Not the ears” Breaks and pretend Samurai Kendo Nagasaki… it was just panto with violence. Never before was such a pile of shite watched by so many people.

"A man called Shirley and a large pile of horsefood earlier today."

So why did so many people tune in? Well, there was sod all else to do until the football results came in at 4:45. Hard to think in these times of Jeff Stelling’s Soccer Staurday, but back then the only option would be to listen to the radio to get updates on the scores. Otherwise you have to endure the wrestling and wait for the moment at around twenty to five when commentator Kent Walton signed off with “Have a good week… till next week!”. At which point you’d switch over to BBC 1 to see the results coming in live on the Grandstand teleprinter (which was just a camera pointed at a printer reeling off the results as they came in) . Special attention was given to score draws as these of course were important for your parents if they did the Pools Coupon. Some lunatics may have stuck with Dickie Davies over on ITV for the results but they were always a bit slow – BBC was where it was at.

"It was fever pitch in the Grandstand studio."

And then the full classified results would be read out, from the Football League Division One to Scottish League Division Two, in that sedate hypnotic manner by the legendary i.e. old Len Martin. Dividend forecast – low, with 24 score draws and ten no score draws. God knows what it all meant, all I knew was my Grandad exclaiming that it'd be pointless checking the coupon that week (blimey, I remember the bloke coming round every Thursday to collect the pools coupons and money from my Nan).

"Stop making me wait. I don't care about Wigan vs Sale."

We’d then get the local sports news, being in the North West it would be read by the illustrious likes of John Mundy or David Davies (who went on to work for the FA in the 90s trivia fans), towards the end of which after the rugby results were being read out they’d put a caption up telling you which games were on “Match Of The Day” later that evening.. at which point I’d be getting a bit nervous in my tummy as my personal highlight of the week would be coming up next… the latest episode of “Doctor Who” with Tom Baker.

Sometimes they’d leave you dangling with a 10 minute filler of Tom & Jerry beforehand… the swines. But as soon as that BBC1 globe came up I’d be on tenterhooks… that would be me gone for 25 minutes (funny thing is that nothing’s changed 30 years on…)

"Now & then. Ooh, I need a wee..."

What followed Who was usually a blur for the next half an hour or so, whilst I processed the excitement I’d just witnessed. Fortunately you didn’t have to concentrate much on the likes of the Basil Brush show, Jim’ll Fix It or The Generation Game. Now some of you may be thinking here that it’s all a bit cosy BBC fodder, and you’d be right. Rarely did you turn over and watch something else on ITV. “Bruce’s Big Night”? 2 hours of shite.

"The Good, The Bad & The Ugly"

No, the BBC was where it was at on a Saturday. Looking back I couldn’t tell you anything about what I’d had for tea on any Saturday – not a thing. But ask me about the telly and I’m right on it.

After the general early evening fun you’d be subjected to the likes of an early evening drama – “Secret Army”, “Duchess Of Duke Street”, “All Creatures Great & Small” or “Juliet Bravo” – nothing too demanding, before the mid evening comedy would arrive in the form of “The Two Ronnies” or “Dick Emery”. Fifty or so mirthful minutes later, it’d be pyjama time. However if you were lucky like me you’d be still allowed to stay up after the news to watch Captain Dobie lambast “Starsky & Hutch” and give them 24 hours or they were off the case. Then “Match Of The Day”, and rounding the evening off, “Parkinson”, by which time I’d be in bed, missing the likes of Peter Ustinov & David Niven rambling on.

That was the formula:

Football results

Doctor Who

Light entertainment with a gonk or Larry Grayson

Early evening drama set in the past

Light entertainment smutty comedy show

American Import

News

Football

Parky

Late Night Horror film.

Simple. It worked, and people were happy. Nobody really bothered with ITV on a Autumn or Winter Saturday night for years. It was only round 1980-81 that they attempted to fight back, with a combination of low brow London Weekend Television fodder such as the crap comic escapades of Metal Mickey, sci-fi action with Buck Rogers, celebrity quiz shows like Punchlines or The Pyramid Game, Beadle-fest Game For A Laugh, Ted Rodgers’ inexplicable 3-2-1, Bodie & Doyle in The Professionals and the newly poached from the Beeb Football.

"You're watching ITV. Jesus."

Sounds pretty average now but in using the old formula, ITV ruled the roost for a couple of years, with the BBC making a slight return in the mid 80s with Doctor Who, Noel Edmonds’ Late Late Breakfast Show (before the murdering years), Allo Allo, Bob’s Full House & Russ Abbot. By which time the television landscape had changed anyway. The public could rent out decent movies on a Saturday on video, and a new fourth channel had established itself as an alternative (even though there was usually sod all on it). Viewing habits were changing.

Still, it wasn’t quite over for TV Saturdays though. During the nineties there was a minor renaissance when there was enough on the box if you weren’t going out for the night, and even if you were there were essential “getting ready” programmes to have on in the background. I remember sitting down for the footy results (as ever) followed by a bit of “TOTP2”, then maybe Lois & Clark (eye candy) or a perv over Baywatch if you were that way inclined followed by the trash that was Gladiators (switching over for Noel’s House Party afterwards) and of course, Blind Date – the ultimate “have on in the background whilst getting ready” show. The Lottery show would always ruin the mid evening – this was usually the point you’d go out. Otherwise that ever present staple of Casualty would follow, with a some one off drama nonsense or Parkinson (making a comeback) before Match Of The Day after ten, and then The Stand Up Show (usually on at the time at which you’d come in from the pub). After some bad film with Judd Nelson in it would be a repeat of TOTP from early in the week to round things off. All in all solid stuff.

These days we only get the mighty Jeff Stelling all afternoon, 13 weeks of Doctor Who a year to look forward to, and Harry Hill’s TV Burp. What a con. Don't get me started on Simon Cowell's shitefests. Is it too much to ask for one channel to put together a bunch of programmes that entertain me on a Saturday night without me having the need to keep flicking through the Sky channels like a masochistic epileptic with ADHD? Apparently.

"As good as it gets"