The Vader Sessions

Sometimes the most stupid things make you laugh until you almost wet yourself.

Smash Hits - It's still 1983

Who's this moody looking sod in the check shirt? Cheer up, it may never happen! Oh.

This is the late Stuart Adamson, of Scottish rockers Big Country, a group that were for a time up there with your U2's and Simple Minds in the top flight. "The Crossing", their dubut album, was chock full of rock anthems, such as "In A Big Country", "Chance", "Harvest Home" and of course "Fields Of Fire" ("Cha!!!!"). People used to mock their "bagpipe guitar sound" and for a while after their initial success, they were never entirely taken seriously. However since Adamson's death from alcoholism in 2001, their work has been reappraised, and their sound has been nicked by many a group, most recently The Killers. Of course, back in 1983, Smash Hits treated Big Country in their own unique irreverent style, giving drummer Mark Brzezicki the name "Mark Unpronounceable name out of Big Country".

OMD are back! Back! BACK! (etc). Smartly dressed in their shirts & ties, carring flags... oy oy! Must be a concept! A ropey one at that. This is them getting probably their last ever front cover of a mainstream music mag, promoting "Genetic Engineering", the first single from their crap-stroke-ahead of it's time album "Dazzle Ships" which was a massive flop. I quite liked the singles - then again, OMD always made good singles.

Also in this issue was some early "Wham!" (the exclaimation mark is important of course), along with other some other massive groups of the year Thompson Twins, at the time having their first hit with "Love On Your Side", ver Spands ("Communication") and Liverpudlian wet duo China Crisis having their first top 40 hit with "Christian". Plus hit songs by Rocker's Revenge (remember "Walking On Sunshine"?") and Aussie rockers Icehouse with "Hey Little Girl".

Who's that girl? And isn't that Weller? The answer dear reader is she's Tracie Young, and he is the Modfather, newly released from the confines of The Jam and wandering into pop-soul territory with The Style Council. Tracie of course sang on their penultimate single "The Bitterest Pill", and was about to embark on her own career as a solo artist on Weller's own "Respond" label, with her first single "The House That Jack Built", which was a bit of a poptastic number, that boded well for the future. Alas it was not to be. Great hat and flick though.

Duran Duran answer readers questions inside, probably asking what John Taylor's favourite colour is. There's also that essential article on Hall & Oates, and also Animal Nightlife (who hell they?). Hit songs by Ultravox, Wah! and Bow Wow Wow (exit stage right very shortly afterwards for them).

Nice suit, Jim! 1983 was the year that Simple Minds really started to make it big, with their "Sparkle In The Rain" album consolidating the success of the previous year's "New Gold Dream". Mr Kerr celebrated by buying a new blue suit and throwing some shapes on the cover of this issue. "Get in get out of the rain" indeed. Also in this issue are grumpy Roland and Curt from Tears For Fears, a bunch of scousers with the bizarre name Frankie Goes To Hollywood and a little song called "Relax" which went on to do quite well, a now completely panto Adam Ant ("Puss cat puss cat, where have you been?"), and a synth veggie bloke called Howard Jones (plus Jed) banging on about "tearing down those mental chains". Whatever.

Tracie!! Put that chair down now, you'll have someone's eye out! She's gone all blonde highlighty and moody on this summer cover. "Give It Some Emotion" was her second and last hit, but there's little sign of any emotion in this piccy, bless her. Also in this issue is Shakin' Stevens (still having hits... how did this happen?), more wet scousers The Lotus Eaters, The Cure moving into their pop phase with "The Walk", plus hit songs by The Police and Roman Holliday ("Don't Try To Stop It" - no, please do try).

Wham! began their chart domination around this time, and George & Andrew's annoying tanned faces and gleaming teeth were beaming out from the covers of most pop magazines for the next three years. In retrospect this cover looks as camp and cheesy as hell, and it summed them up - completely punchable. "Club Tropicana" was the biggie around this time, and was (and still is) utterly awful. Spandau Ballet were inside, promoting their summer smash "True" (school disco smooch material numero uno). Sting was also inside, probably grumping about his bandmates and hinting at The Police's impending collapse. Also inside - The Truth. God knows who they were.

Martin Fry is back and is looking mean. No more gold lame, as all the lush romantic sounds are dumped for a more "raw" (i.e. crap) sound with "That Was Then But This Is Now", all crashing 80's drums, guitars and pianos, with nary a string instrument to be seen. Predictably, the record bombed, and ABC never bothered the Smash Hits cover designer again. Also this fortnight, Genesis! Wooh! The Belle Stars!! King Kurt!!! Hang on, I thought this was meant to be a good year?

Still, there's always Julian Cope, newly solo following the demise of The Teardrop Explodes, and Nick Heyward, whose chart success seemed to be diametrically opposite to the amount of coverage he got in ver Hits. Ahh, pretty boys I suppose.

And so onto pretty annoying boys. Campest of the camp, Leee John of Imagination, on the cover of Smash Hits. What the fuck is going on? It's so wrong on so many levels. It's a ruddy con and no mistake matey. He is the epitome of crap. Still, it looked like the least worst option, what with the Eurythmics, Orange Juice, and Shalamar as the possible other contenders. Brrrr. Still, this shows that it wasn't all poptastic every fortnight. As does the following cover.


Jimmy the Hoover? Jimmy the HOOVER? Not even good enough to get onto a Now album. And look at the other contenders... Welsh Big Country wannabes The Alarm, Gary Numan, Sir Clifford of Richard or mad Robert Smith. Suddenly a bloke in a shit hat looked like a reasonable cover image. Obviously the free double sided poster softened the blow.


Still, we get to the end of the year and the now annual Smash Hits Readers Poll results, where Howard Jones wins most promising new artist, or best haircut, or something. The results show that Duran Duran, Spandau, Wham! and Culture Club are the big bands of the year, and will continue to be so for the next 12 months. But who'll knock 'em off their perch next year? JoBoxers? Jimmy the Hoover? Roman Holiday?

Err, no.

Howard bloody Jones.

Cheers, thanks.

Crikey!!! It's 1983! More Smash Hits

Ver Hits begins it's "Imperial Phase" (© Neil Tennant) for the next five years. With Malcolm McLaren on the cover introducing the general public to hip-hop and scratching with "Buffalo Gals", 1983 was underway. And what a great year it was, readers. Don't let that promise of Shakey & Toyah on the cover above put you off.

Grooooo. Scouse gobshite Pete Wylie's been beaten a bit too much with the ugly stick to be on the cover. "Wah!" indeed. Still, as it's post Christmas anything goes. That new moveable logo's going to take some getting used to as well. So who else is inside? Some dodgy-haired geezers from Ireland called U2, having a hit with "New Year's Day" (timely). Smash Hits would go on to rip the piss out of them throughout the 80's. Boy George & Culture Club continued on their way to world domination, some bloke called Michael Jackson released a single "Billie Jean", which to these ears sounded a hit. "If he stays away from drugs, chimps and kids, he'll be having hits well into his fifties" I predicted at the time. Hit songs this issue are from Men At Work ("he just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"), Joe "Steppin' Out"Jackson, and Eddy Grant rockin' down to "Electric Avenue" (and then we'll take it higher!). Moving on...

Blimey! It's the lovely Clare Grogan on the cover, looking less fun than before and more pervilicious. It's as if she's been hanging round too much with Kim Wilde. Claire's Altered Images were on the comeback trail with one of John Peel's all time favourite singles, the fabulous "Don't Talk To Me About Love". But hark! What's this in the top left corner? "Fame"? Wasn't that the underwhelming film from 1980? Correct. Two points, sir. But the previous year the UK went mad over the TV spin off series and the soundtrack album "The Kids From Fame", and it became essential viewing every Thursday after Top Of The Pops. Even though it was shit. Also inside, Dame David Bowie! Just before he went completely rubbish! Mari Wilson - just what we didn't always want. A solo Nick Heyward. dumping his bandmates and having a hit with "Whistle Down The Wind". New Order releasing the landmark "Blue Monday" and not making much cash from it. Tracey Ullman... hang on? The comedienne from "Three Of A Kind"? Oh yes, but now she's nicked the pop career that Kirsty MacColl didn't want and is having hit singles. How odd. Also hits songs from ver Club, and Kajagoogoo. "Too Shite" more like.

Hey! It's The Human League! Has the success of "Dare!" changed them? Has it buggery. Still as glum as ever, but Phil's got a better hair cut, but Joanne & Suzanne still can't dance. Or sing. "(Keep Feeling) Fascination" was a monster record though, but that would be all we'd get for another 12 months. Also in this issue "serious" synthy duo Tears For Fears, ver Maiden ("Eddie! Eddie!"), crap goths Bauhaus, and Siouxsie's other group The Creatures ("Right Now!").

Oi! You! Turn round and face the camera! Urgh! Oh no it's fright-bearded David "A" Stewart! Turn back round immediately! Phew. You look a bit better pal... what? You're a woman? Annie Lennox? Of the Eurythmics? Didn't you used to be in the Tourists? Be off with you late seventies new wave artists!! I don't care if you have got a new name and a great new single called "Sweet Dreams"! There's nowt for you here, mush!!! And take your ginger mate with yer! Be off with you!

So what else was going on in this issue? "Doin' the boxer beat boxer beat boxerrrrrr beat.... the boxer beat, the boxer beat, the boxer beat..." Yes, it's Depeche Mode!!! No not really, it's JoBoxers - god knows what the concept behind that band was, even Kevin Rowland would have thought twice before trying that one. Lyrics for hits from proto-Erasure Blancmange, and the return of Bonnie Tyler!! Get back to Pontypridd!!

1983... to be continued...

"Oh pur-lease!": Smash Hits in 1982

1982... and Smash Hits is in full swing. Essential reading for all those too young for the NME and too old for Look-In. It reaches it's landmark 100th issue in October, and celebrates with a lovely photo of the Kemp brothers from Spandau Ballet in casual wear. Little did they know that 27 years later they'd be hawking the same old crap on a nostalgia tour via DFS adverts and a cockney gangster film. Still, the rest of the promised content on the cover seems okay - Ultravox, Weller splitting up The Jam, Dexy's with "Jackie Wilson Said" and Culture Club making an appearance in the chart. Ooh that Boy George, he looks like a girl. And as ever, Genesis boring us rigid.

Backtracking a little, the start of the year brings us Basildon electro-popsters Depeche Mode sans one member. Where's their songwriter Vince Clarke? Oh he's buggered off leaving them to their own devices. Never mind, we think they'll do okay. Just stay away from the drugs, drink and pies you young whippersnappers. Other classic features (in colour!) in this issue include Fun Boy Three with some girls called Bananarama. Stupid name, they'll not do well. Songs by Shaky as well as Soft Cell ("Say Hello Wave Goodbye"). By law here I have to make the joke about Marc Almond, so here goes (sniiiippppp - that's enough of that - ED).

March brings us Martin Fry of Sheffield popsters ABC, resplendant in trademark Gold Lame suit, which legend has it, he became so sick of that he tried to flush it down the loo. Their album "The Lexicon Of Love" would be released this year and would go on to be one of the albums of the year, an enduring classic and something of a millstone as they never managed to measure up to it. Also in this issue, more Paul Weller (not The Jam you'll notice ominously), Theatre of Hate (who were always crap), Toni Basil AND The Nolans in colour (the Nolans??) and hit songs by Gary Numan and Kraftwerk - that'll be "Showroom Dummies" then. Plus Soft Cell in colour... which reminds me about the stomach (sniiiiipppp!!!!! - that's definately enough - ED)

Amazingly enough, Toyah Wilcox was actually a popstar. Really. Hit singles and stuff. I even went to see her live. I was young and didn't know any better. Don't ask me to listen to her stuff now, I know it wouldn't be good. Back then though she was ideal cover fodder for ver Hits, and this was a promotional shoot for her new single "Brave New World". Unbelievably she made the cover ahead of Adam Ant, the Bunnymen & Duran! Madness. Who coincidentally were also inside.

Oh look. Laughing boy Terry Hall's back with some sort of dead animal on his head. And there's a free quiz book as well (most Smash Hits gifts in the early years were quite frankly shit, and this was no exception). Bow Wow Wow had finally managed a hit with "Go Wild In The Country" and were inside, along with the Trevor Horn produced shiny pop duo Dollar again, New Order finding their feet after the demise of Joy Division, and Joan Jett who'd just had a number one with "I Love Rock & Roll"... and would never be heard of again. Quite right too.

It became noticeable that Nick Heyward was becoming a bit of a separate entity from the rest of Haircut 100, only 6 months on from their first hit. Indeed, during 1982 he parted ways with the band and became a solo artist. He was ideal pin up material for Smash Hits and always gave good copy. Here he is being his cute chirpy self wrapped in trademark sweater. Simple Minds are featured in this issue, on the verge of releasing their breakthrough album "New Gold Dream". So are Pigbag, an indie band who had a massive crossover hit with "Papa's Got A Brand New Pigbag". Hit songs from ver Mode, jazz-wank lounge band Shakatak, and fab-Macca-wacky-thumbs-aloft. And hey, who's that? It's Soft Cell! Mine's a pint! (that's it, you're fired - Ed).

It's Back! Back! BACK!!! The Genius of Smash Hits

To celebrate the special Michael Jackson commemorative issue of "Smash Hits" that's being sold next week, I thought I'd trawl the internet to see if I could find some old issues of the magazine that was my fortnightly bible during the 80's. And hey - guess what? There's not much to be found documenting this esteemed journal of pop. But trawling auction sites I did find these glorious examples. This isn't going to be an indepth look at the magazine, just poking a bit of fun at 80's fashions and hair - it's a journey which is more of a celebration of the highs and lows of the amazing world of (SNIIIIIP! that's enough - ED).

In the beginning the mag was a monthly humourless affair, full of song lyrics and posters of Plastic Bertrand or Sham 69. But as it sold well it was decided to make it fortnighly and therefore more up to date with the charts.

This was one of my first ever issues. Obviously it was the Squeeze flexidisc that swung it for me. I think I've still got it actually. From this point I bought it on and off until around the start of 1981 when I became a regular for the next eight years. And what years they were readers... ahh, I remember them well (that's enough of that - ED).

To your right we've got a cover from the early days of the mag... and there's no obvious reason why nu-mod one hit wonders Secret Affair were on the cover. What next? The Lambrettas? That was part of the charm of Smash Hits - they'd frequently screw up and feature some band who'd go on to do sod all. Jimmy the Hoover anybody? "Time For Action" was a good stomper, but one good song a career does not make as my great great grandfather never said. Bah! Still, nil desperandum as there's the lyrics to "Don't Bring Me Down" by ELO inside. "Groooose!!" Huzzah! An article on The Who! And Joe Jackson in colour! That'll keep the kids away from the fire.

It doesn't get much better in 1980, really. Bryan Ferry - that's what the kids want. Not to mention pain in the arse Scots funster B.A. Robertson in colour. An article on rockabilly rebels Matchbox and Deptford's finest Squeeze can only hint at the cultural vaccuum that was 1980. But look yonder! Hope is on the horizon, as Orchestral Manoeuvres are also in colour. Plus Human League albums to be won (presumably the excellent "Travelogue"). And of course you can sing along in the playground to Siouxsie & the Banshees "Christine".

Not all bad though. Here's loopy foxtress Kate Bush! All pout and hair. Probably promoting "Wow" or some other bizarre single. Toyah and the Undertones are in colour this ish. Now Toyah... okayyyy, punky popster, fair do's but who wants Feargal Sharkey and the other three in glorious technicolour? Apart from themselves if they need a passport renewing. Also that exciting Phil Lynott article... snore. Basically you'd be just buying this issue for Kate.... phwoar! (That's enough of that Uncle Disgusting! Back to the coal shed with you! - ED)

Moving on to 1981 and a new logo! But still a bit lacking when it comes to proper pop stars. God bless her soul but there's no way that Kirsty MacColl was ever going to be comfortable with being a "pop" star, and she didn't even have a top 10 record but got a front cover. Still, that was Smash Hits, sometimes they had the most unlikely cover stars. And at least it wasn't Crass adorning the cover. Brrrrr.

A classic Adam Ant image adorns this issue's cover, from his "Hoist the Jolly Roger!" era ant output. But behold - what this? Squeeze? Whitesnake? And Linx in colour? Yeah, that's what we need, a bespectacled David Grant poster. Wooo. Good job I didn't buy it for the posters. Except when the lovely Kim Wilde was featured...

And check her out on the cover of this issue from November '81.... errr.... oh dear. She's looking a bit bored, readers. Me thinks she's trying to be sultry but it's not working. Maybe she's parked on a meter. Still the rest of the mag looks a bit more jolly, with the likes of Soft Cell, "Tears Are Not Enough"-era ABC, Altered Images and errr, Gillan. Well, British Heavy Metal was big in 1981, people forget this. It wasn't all New Romantics and eyeliner you know. Hit songs by Haircut 100 - that'll be "Favourite Shirts" then - and Four Tops... because you need those words to "When She Was My Girl". Honest.

To be fair, the magazine hadn't really found it's groove just yet, but the humour was creeping into the mag. Despite Kim's moody face. Here's a poster of her realizing that some sod has put blinds over her bedroom mirror by mistake. Tut. Still, it helps wipe away the memories of those later Holland & Barrett adverts and gardening tips. Oh and "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree".

Oh look. It's Paul & Andy from OMD modelling for the latest Grattan catalogue. Oh that can't be right, this is Smash Hits. The scouse synth duo get a cover feature to tie in with their latest album "Architecture & Morality (& Chunky Knitwear)". It's all getting a bit more swingorilliant though as there's a Dollar interview and Duran Duran in there as well as Adam (no need for the "Ant" I notice at this point) and bloody Squeeze again. In colour no less. I can't imagine who'd want a picture of Squeeze in colour outside of their parents.

Remember Bow Wow Wow? That's right, the ones who used to be the Ants before jumping ship to work with Malcolm McLaren, leaving poor old Adam high and dry, except he went onto be massive and they didn't. Here is a cover featuring their photogenic singer only, Annabella Lwin. Blimey they hadn't even had a hit single at this point, with "Go Wild In The Country" some six months away. Note that Julian Cope & Tenpole Tudor are considered worthy of pin-up status. Sing along to Ultravox's number 14 hit "The Thin Wall", or "Love Action" by ver League ("Well this is Phil talking...)

Oh shit. Who invited Gary Numan to the party? Yep, he was still around in 1981, crashing planes and experimenting with jazz-funk stylings to little commercial success. Still, I actually liked this at the time, but these days the image of Alan Partridge playing air bass-guitar haunts me so we'll move on.
It's looking more popmongous as Depeche Mode, Shaky and Modern Romance are all in colour, Plus that essential Meat Loaf article. Nice to see Simple Minds there, a good year before they went massive.

As 1981 draws to a close there's more signs of poptasticness with Duran in full tea-towel-round-head regalia, a free poster of Adam or The Police or Spandau Ballet (in their "funk" phase. Oh dear) and a Shakin' Stevens comic strip. What the hell was that about then? Good to see Madness in there, they were a constant delight back then, and of course Hazel O'Connor - she was like an early 80's Lady Ga Ga, kids. In that she had also two legs and breasts. Which you could say about chickens. So there you have it. Hazel O'Connor - early 80's poultry.

Still, even in 1981, the pop scene moved pretty fast. Take the case of The Specials. Massive Ska influenced Coventry combo, has number one single of the summer of 81 in "Ghost Town", then disintegrates - less than 4 months later Terry Hall, Neville Staples & Lynval Goulding form Fun Boy Three, the ironically monickered spin-off, and continued to be massive, with firt hit "The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum". Forget the Specials reforming, lets have FB3 back performing. And just look at how happy Terry is in front of the camera, folks.

Before... and after.

In 1981, The Human League had finally kicked their artyness into touch by letting Ian Craig Marsh & Martyn Ware go off and become Heaven 17, whilst Phil stayed behind, recruited a couple of girls from a disco and made the best pop record this side of Abba in the form of "Dare!"., which went on to be massive. As you can tell from the cover of this late 1981 issue, they're overjoyed. Electropop goes from strength to strength, with Japan & Simon Le Bon both in colour within these pages. Beware though, Godley & Creme were also inside, probably promoting that bloody awful "Wedding Bells" single. Hit songs by Bad Manners and ver Quo also. What was the public thinking of?

Moody pop stars eh? Cheer up for God's sake. You could do with taking a leaf out of the book of this lovely lassie...
... Clare Grogan, of Altered Images, who were really the archetypal Smash Hits band. Pop, but had that alternative cred, championed by John Peel, had a single called "Dead Pop Stars", crashed into the chart with the ultra catchy "Happy Birthday", and fitted equally comfortably on "Top Of The Pops" and "The Old Grey Whistle Test". Fab.

And so we leave 1981 behind, and 1982 awaits... when Smash Hits became the mag we remember, when writers such as Mark Ellen, David Hepworth, Dave Rimmer and Neil Tennant were churning out witty insightful pieces every fortnight. And we had decent pop stars who looked the part and were in on the joke.

To be continued...

Kraftwerk: The Man(chester) Machine

So have you ever been to the Manchester Velodrome? And if the answer is yes, did you go to see a rock concert? Chances are the answer is nay. Last night though, we went and we did see a gig. Not just any gig though.

This was Kraftwerk.

And this was a one off gig as part of the opening night of the Manchester International Festival, appropriately for this band held at the National Cycling Centre.

With the Velodrome being situated in the wrong part of Manchester, Celia & I weren't too familiar with it's location. We knew it was near the Council House (Man City's rented accommodation) which we'd been to in 2005 to see U2, but that was on mostly on foot, not by car. Fortunately the website for the Velodrome gave great directions, and basically we had to follow the signs for "Sportcity" (though when have City ever been associated with sport?).

After being guided by volunteers towards the nearby free car parking, we parked up and wandered over in the glorious early evening sunshine towards the venue. All around people were were hanging around, chilling out - none of this bustling pushing queueing nonsense here. It was all so civilised. Lovely. We took a few photos at the front of the venue before going round the back (ooh err) to the "blue door" entrance as specified on the ticket.

Whilst in the short line of peeps calmly entering the building, we were asked by a camera crew filming for the Festival a couple of questions... "Why have we come here to see Kraftwerk?" to which I could only answer "Well... it's Kraftwerk isn't it? Legends." Which is deep. Celia gave a more detailed interesting answer stating that Kraftwerk invented Techno music but was totally overshadowed by a bloke waving his hands in electro style behind her shouting "We are the Robots". Quite.

When asked what was so special about Kraftwerk, I calmly dismissed the entire post war musical output up to 1970 by stating that "there was no good music before Kraftwerk". Great soundbite there Darren. Let's just dismiss the entire career of The Beatles in one fell swoop.

We're given some 3D specs at the entrance. Ooh, the rumours are true then. "9:30" it states ominously on the sleeve. Now the velodrome itself is a bit awesome, and as we had standing tickets we got to stand in the centre of the arena with the track around us, where the general public don't usually get a chance to stand. We wandered up casually to the front and sat on the floor awaiting the opening act...

No support band as such. Instead we got the premiere of composer Steve Reich's "2x5", a piece specially written for the festival, performed by a group of musicians called Bang On A Can. I didn't know a great deal about Reich's work - his "Electric Counterpoint" was sampled on the Orb's "Little Fluffy Clouds" but that's about it, Celia knew more about him than I did. This new piece was an interesting piece of music, if repetetive but not really for me. To be honest some of it sounded like incidental music from "Mary Mungo & Midge". Not that it's a bad thing... just not my bag.

Celia's old mate Paul from down saaaaaf in Coventry turned up during this song and provided welcome distraction from the noodling on stage. The two of them hadn't clapped eyes on each other in about 10 years and it was if it had only been 10 days. The whole place was getting quite busy by now but it wasn't crushed, with plenty of room for movement.

The band departed to a warm round of applause, and I'm informed that the composer was there at the back of the arena but we couldn't see him from where we were stood. However I'm sure that nobody bought a ticket for Mr Reich, god bless. The 4 German guys were the main attraction and what we were all here for. And so the curtains were drawn whilst stage hands set up. 15 minutes later, the lights dimmed, and the robotic opening tones of "The Man Machine" blared across the auditorium...

"Meine Dammen und Herren...Ladies and gentlemen...heute abend...Die Mensch Maschine...Kraft...werk!"

...the curtains opened to reveal the familiar sight of the fab four stood individually behind their laptops and electronic gubbins. Each wore a black shiny cycling style zip top. There was a "new" member at the end, Stefan Pfaffe (replacing founder member Florian Schneider) who stood out from the rest because he was (a) taller than them and (b) looked about twenty. He's a bit like the work experience kid. Whatever happened between Florian and the remaining founder member Ralf Hutter to cause the split we'll probably never know - Kraftwerk are not known for discussing... well anything really.

It's funny really - I usually hate groups that try to go on with only one remaining original member. It's like Oasis - the Gallaghers and some hired hands, or Fleetwood Mac during the 90's. But Kraftwerk transcend this bias of mine, I don't know how. Maybe it's because they've always been pretty faceless, truly embracing the idea of the music being everything - they truly are the Mensch Maschine.

I don't know what to say really about the performance... apart from harking back to whatI said to the reporter earlier... it's Kraftwerk isn't it? You don't really go to see them for an energetic performance, yet what they do is mesmerising. The combination of their minimalism, the accompanying visuals on the huge video screens behind them and the crystal clear electronic sound was just awesome.

Appropriately, the original version of "Tour De France" was played - well, we're in a bloody Velodrome and that's the only reason cycling nutter Ralf agreed to the gig - but during the song I could see a curtain twitching down a ramp in front of us - something was gonna happen. And as the first bars of the "Etape" version from the "Tour De France Soundtracks" rang out... four cyclists emerge from behind the curtain and ride onto the track. Ralf introduces them as the Great Britain Cycling Team - Ed Clancy, Jason Kenny, Jamie Staff and Geraint Thomas, all Gold medallists in Beijing - and the crowd go mad as they ride round the arena in formation. He also gives a bit shout out to their trainer who is German - like the music, sport can sometimes transcend Nationality for the greater good. This celebration of the true man machine has turned an already special night into something extraordinary. So where can it go from here?

Well, after the Olympic medal winning cyclists leave the arena to an amazing reaction from the audience, and Ralf promises to bring his bike next time, Kraftwerk go on to plough through some of their amazing back catalogue. They play the song Coldplay nicked wholesale for "Talk", "Computer Love" but give a little nod back to Chris Martin by incorporating the little musical touches he added. "Autobahn" is awesome as ever, "Showroom Dummies" is a pleasant surprise as it wasn't played on the last visit to Manchester in 2004, the UK number one "The Model" is a crowd fave, and "Neon Lights" just gets more beautiful everytime you hear it. The first half of the show ends with the magnificently epic "Trans Europe Express", a record which invented Depeche Mode post-Vince Clarke. Honest.

The curtains close (well eventually - the stage hands had a bit of bother, which the Mancunian crowd predictably ripped the piss out of) and we wonder what's next... well I think we know. The curtains open again to reveal that the band have been replaced by... yes, the robotic doppelgangers for "The Robots". Of course all this is to give them time backstage to change into their "Tron" cycling suits. At least they've changed Florian's head for Stefan's.

The automated versions are removed and it's time (well a bit later than 9:30 actually) to don the 3D glasses. Just when you think that the show can't get any better, the visuals behind the group come atcha in glorious 3D. You can almost reach out and touch the numbers in front of you during the tune of the same name, and during "Vitamin" the computer graphic pills are so real you nearly duck out of the way. It must be a bizarre sight for the band to see a few thousand people staring at them in cardboard glasses.

Finally, the sound of "Boing, Boom, Tschak!" heralds the closing number, "Music Non-Stop" at which point the members of the band go wild. Well, they move their legs a bit and nod in time to the beats. That's like moonwalking across the stage for them. One by one Stefan, Fritz, Henning and finally Ralf leave the stage. And then they were gone.

This was not a gig. This was an event. Kraftwerk. Legends.

(Thanks to shamlessboyuk and kraftwerkmod for the YouTube vids)