"Oh pur-lease!": Smash Hits in 1982

1982... and Smash Hits is in full swing. Essential reading for all those too young for the NME and too old for Look-In. It reaches it's landmark 100th issue in October, and celebrates with a lovely photo of the Kemp brothers from Spandau Ballet in casual wear. Little did they know that 27 years later they'd be hawking the same old crap on a nostalgia tour via DFS adverts and a cockney gangster film. Still, the rest of the promised content on the cover seems okay - Ultravox, Weller splitting up The Jam, Dexy's with "Jackie Wilson Said" and Culture Club making an appearance in the chart. Ooh that Boy George, he looks like a girl. And as ever, Genesis boring us rigid.

Backtracking a little, the start of the year brings us Basildon electro-popsters Depeche Mode sans one member. Where's their songwriter Vince Clarke? Oh he's buggered off leaving them to their own devices. Never mind, we think they'll do okay. Just stay away from the drugs, drink and pies you young whippersnappers. Other classic features (in colour!) in this issue include Fun Boy Three with some girls called Bananarama. Stupid name, they'll not do well. Songs by Shaky as well as Soft Cell ("Say Hello Wave Goodbye"). By law here I have to make the joke about Marc Almond, so here goes (sniiiippppp - that's enough of that - ED).

March brings us Martin Fry of Sheffield popsters ABC, resplendant in trademark Gold Lame suit, which legend has it, he became so sick of that he tried to flush it down the loo. Their album "The Lexicon Of Love" would be released this year and would go on to be one of the albums of the year, an enduring classic and something of a millstone as they never managed to measure up to it. Also in this issue, more Paul Weller (not The Jam you'll notice ominously), Theatre of Hate (who were always crap), Toni Basil AND The Nolans in colour (the Nolans??) and hit songs by Gary Numan and Kraftwerk - that'll be "Showroom Dummies" then. Plus Soft Cell in colour... which reminds me about the stomach (sniiiiipppp!!!!! - that's definately enough - ED)

Amazingly enough, Toyah Wilcox was actually a popstar. Really. Hit singles and stuff. I even went to see her live. I was young and didn't know any better. Don't ask me to listen to her stuff now, I know it wouldn't be good. Back then though she was ideal cover fodder for ver Hits, and this was a promotional shoot for her new single "Brave New World". Unbelievably she made the cover ahead of Adam Ant, the Bunnymen & Duran! Madness. Who coincidentally were also inside.

Oh look. Laughing boy Terry Hall's back with some sort of dead animal on his head. And there's a free quiz book as well (most Smash Hits gifts in the early years were quite frankly shit, and this was no exception). Bow Wow Wow had finally managed a hit with "Go Wild In The Country" and were inside, along with the Trevor Horn produced shiny pop duo Dollar again, New Order finding their feet after the demise of Joy Division, and Joan Jett who'd just had a number one with "I Love Rock & Roll"... and would never be heard of again. Quite right too.

It became noticeable that Nick Heyward was becoming a bit of a separate entity from the rest of Haircut 100, only 6 months on from their first hit. Indeed, during 1982 he parted ways with the band and became a solo artist. He was ideal pin up material for Smash Hits and always gave good copy. Here he is being his cute chirpy self wrapped in trademark sweater. Simple Minds are featured in this issue, on the verge of releasing their breakthrough album "New Gold Dream". So are Pigbag, an indie band who had a massive crossover hit with "Papa's Got A Brand New Pigbag". Hit songs from ver Mode, jazz-wank lounge band Shakatak, and fab-Macca-wacky-thumbs-aloft. And hey, who's that? It's Soft Cell! Mine's a pint! (that's it, you're fired - Ed).