Crikey!!! It's 1983! More Smash Hits

Ver Hits begins it's "Imperial Phase" (© Neil Tennant) for the next five years. With Malcolm McLaren on the cover introducing the general public to hip-hop and scratching with "Buffalo Gals", 1983 was underway. And what a great year it was, readers. Don't let that promise of Shakey & Toyah on the cover above put you off.

Grooooo. Scouse gobshite Pete Wylie's been beaten a bit too much with the ugly stick to be on the cover. "Wah!" indeed. Still, as it's post Christmas anything goes. That new moveable logo's going to take some getting used to as well. So who else is inside? Some dodgy-haired geezers from Ireland called U2, having a hit with "New Year's Day" (timely). Smash Hits would go on to rip the piss out of them throughout the 80's. Boy George & Culture Club continued on their way to world domination, some bloke called Michael Jackson released a single "Billie Jean", which to these ears sounded a hit. "If he stays away from drugs, chimps and kids, he'll be having hits well into his fifties" I predicted at the time. Hit songs this issue are from Men At Work ("he just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich"), Joe "Steppin' Out"Jackson, and Eddy Grant rockin' down to "Electric Avenue" (and then we'll take it higher!). Moving on...

Blimey! It's the lovely Clare Grogan on the cover, looking less fun than before and more pervilicious. It's as if she's been hanging round too much with Kim Wilde. Claire's Altered Images were on the comeback trail with one of John Peel's all time favourite singles, the fabulous "Don't Talk To Me About Love". But hark! What's this in the top left corner? "Fame"? Wasn't that the underwhelming film from 1980? Correct. Two points, sir. But the previous year the UK went mad over the TV spin off series and the soundtrack album "The Kids From Fame", and it became essential viewing every Thursday after Top Of The Pops. Even though it was shit. Also inside, Dame David Bowie! Just before he went completely rubbish! Mari Wilson - just what we didn't always want. A solo Nick Heyward. dumping his bandmates and having a hit with "Whistle Down The Wind". New Order releasing the landmark "Blue Monday" and not making much cash from it. Tracey Ullman... hang on? The comedienne from "Three Of A Kind"? Oh yes, but now she's nicked the pop career that Kirsty MacColl didn't want and is having hit singles. How odd. Also hits songs from ver Club, and Kajagoogoo. "Too Shite" more like.

Hey! It's The Human League! Has the success of "Dare!" changed them? Has it buggery. Still as glum as ever, but Phil's got a better hair cut, but Joanne & Suzanne still can't dance. Or sing. "(Keep Feeling) Fascination" was a monster record though, but that would be all we'd get for another 12 months. Also in this issue "serious" synthy duo Tears For Fears, ver Maiden ("Eddie! Eddie!"), crap goths Bauhaus, and Siouxsie's other group The Creatures ("Right Now!").

Oi! You! Turn round and face the camera! Urgh! Oh no it's fright-bearded David "A" Stewart! Turn back round immediately! Phew. You look a bit better pal... what? You're a woman? Annie Lennox? Of the Eurythmics? Didn't you used to be in the Tourists? Be off with you late seventies new wave artists!! I don't care if you have got a new name and a great new single called "Sweet Dreams"! There's nowt for you here, mush!!! And take your ginger mate with yer! Be off with you!

So what else was going on in this issue? "Doin' the boxer beat boxer beat boxerrrrrr beat.... the boxer beat, the boxer beat, the boxer beat..." Yes, it's Depeche Mode!!! No not really, it's JoBoxers - god knows what the concept behind that band was, even Kevin Rowland would have thought twice before trying that one. Lyrics for hits from proto-Erasure Blancmange, and the return of Bonnie Tyler!! Get back to Pontypridd!!

1983... to be continued...